What to say to an old friend whose husband or wife has died
You have learned that an old friend has lost their husband or wife. You have not spoken in years, and you are not sure it is your place to write. In almost every case, it is. Here is how to do it well.
It is not too late
People often stay silent because the news reached them late. But grief does not end with the funeral, and the months afterwards can be the loneliest. A kind note that arrives after the first rush of cards can mean a great deal.
Make sure you have the right person
Names repeat, and so do towns. Before you write, read the notice itself and check it against what you know: their age, where they lived, the names of their children. If something does not fit, ask a mutual friend first. A condolence note sent to the wrong family is hard to take back.
What to say
- Say you are sorry, plainly. "I was so sorry to hear about Robert" is enough to begin.
- Use their name. People who are grieving usually want to hear the name of the person they lost.
- Share a memory if you have one. Even a small one: how he laughed, what she cooked, a kindness you never forgot.
- Ask for nothing. Tell them there is no need to reply.
- Keep it short. Four or five sentences is plenty.
What to leave out
Leave out anything that tries to explain the loss or hurry the grief along. Phrases such as "at least he lived a long life" or "I know exactly how you feel" are meant kindly but often land badly. You do not need to fix anything. You only need to show up.
Do not spend the note apologising for the years of silence either. One sentence is enough. The note is about them.
Three example notes
If you knew their husband or wife
Dear Margaret, I was so sorry to hear about Robert. I still remember him carrying our boxes up three flights of stairs on moving day and refusing any thanks. He was a kind man. I am thinking of you and the family. Please do not feel you need to write back. With love, Joan
If you never met them
Dear Frank, I heard that Maria passed away, and I wanted you to know how sorry I am. I never had the chance to meet her, but I remember how you spoke about her. I am thinking of you. There is no need to reply. Your old neighbour, Tom
If you found out late
Dear Helen, I only learned this week that George died in the spring. I am so sorry, and sorry too that my note is late. I have been thinking about our choir days and how he never missed a concert. I would love to talk whenever you feel like it. With affection, Ruth
Card, call or message?
A handwritten card is the traditional choice, and it can be kept and reread. A text or an email is fine if that is how the two of you used to talk, or if you do not have an address. A phone call can be a comfort, but let them choose the moment: write first and offer to call.
Afterwards
The first note is a beginning. Check in again in a few weeks, when the visitors have gone home. Make a note of dates that will be hard, such as a birthday or an anniversary, and send a line when they come around.
Remember in Touch is a private iPhone app for keeping old friends close, along with what you remember about them. We are also building gentle alerts based on public notices, so that news like this does not pass you by. Those alerts are not switched on yet.
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