How to reconnect with an old friend after years apart
Most people are glad to hear from an old friend. The hard part is the first message. This guide gives you a simple way to write it.
It is less awkward than you fear
It is easy to assume that too much time has passed, or that the other person will find it strange. Research on reaching out points the other way: people tend to underestimate how much a friendly message out of the blue is appreciated.
First, find out what has changed
If it has been many years, life has probably changed for your friend. They may have moved, retired, been unwell, or lost a husband or wife. A few minutes of checking helps your first words fit.
- Ask a mutual friend how they are doing.
- Look for recent news from their town, church, club or old workplace.
- If you are worried about a loss, look for a published notice. Our guide on how to find out if an old friend has passed away explains where to look.
Keep the first message short
A good first message does three things. It says who you are, in case they need a reminder. It shares one real memory. And it asks for nothing.
Hello Margaret, it's Joan Pearce from teachers' college. I walked past a lemon tree this week and thought of your kitchen on Dunn Avenue. I would love to hear how you are. No rush at all.
Hi Walter, this is Dev from the Scarborough office, many years ago now. I still use the trick you taught me for sharpening a chisel. I hope you and the family are well.
Dear Helen, I found an old choir photo, and there we both were in the alto row. It made me smile. I have thought of you often and wanted to say hello.
Notice what is missing: there is no long apology for the silence, and no request to meet. One line, such as "I am sorry it has been so long", is plenty.
Choose the way that is easiest for them
Use whatever your friend is most likely to see and enjoy. A text or an email is quick and easy to answer. A card or a letter is slower, but many people keep them. A phone call is the warmest, though it can catch someone off guard, so a short note first is often kinder.
If you do not hear back
Silence is rarely a verdict on you. Numbers change, emails go unread and some people need time. Wait a few weeks, then try once more, perhaps another way. After that, let it rest. You have opened the door, and that matters.
After you reconnect
Write down what you learn while it is fresh: the names of grandchildren, where they are living now, what is coming up for them. It makes the next conversation easier, and it shows you were listening.
This is what Remember in Touch is for. It is a private iPhone app that keeps your people, and what you remember about them, in one calm place.
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